Where Do You Go From Here

Where do you go from here?

I wish I could tell you there was nowhere but up from here but the truth is, the choice is yours. You may say, no it’s not, I had no choice in this matter. I didn’t ask for this to happen to me. All of which is true, yet you still have the power to choose your thoughts, your feelings and your actions in relation to this very unfortunate circumstance. You might be surprised at how much choice we really have. We do have “free will” after all...

Thankfully, I had stumbled across this concept a few years prior to my Son’s passing. My husband and I were newly married with a blended family. We had 4 teenage boys at the time that ranged from 14 years of age to 20 years of age and a Daughter that was 11. We were all struggling to acclimate and emotions ran high. At my wits end, I eventually found myself at the doors of Al-Anon where I was told I had the choice to choose my thoughts, feelings and reactions. Wow… I just sat there with this concept, mulling it over for a while. It was so simple. This wasn’t some new teaching however it was nothing I had ever “heard” before. It was so liberating and the scope of its use became exponential. How had I never known this? Why hadn’t someone shared this with me before? The truth is, I wasn’t ready to receive the message until that very moment. This one simple concept changed my life forever.

Sometime after this, my eldest Son Michael estranged himself from the entire family. All efforts to resolve this matter were futile. My attempts to talk fell on deaf ears. My emails and messages went unread. Phone numbers changed and he then moved with no forwarding address leaving us with no choice but to yield to his demands. I desperately wanted to fix thinks as my worst fear was what if something happened while we were in this state. I knew the only true control I had in this situation were my own thoughts, feelings and actions. So I began to review all our interactions. Searching for what I must have done to cause this. It was at this time that I noticed I didn’t really like the person I had become. There was a lot of manipulation being used that was disguised as help and concern which I had never noticed. I didn’t like it and I wanted to change. Again I was told I had a choice. I could choose who I wanted to be so I started really looking at my thought patterns, my conflict resolution techniques and my beliefs. Were these things truly MY beliefs or were they beliefs I was raised with and never questioned? I then began to question and identify what I KNOW to be my personal truth rather than what I had been told was true.

I became painfully aware of how firmly rooted I was in fear, shame and guilt. It literally disgusted me how riddled my life was with these lower vibrational emotions. They were the driving force behind all of my thoughts, feelings and actions. I began to recognize and acknowledge these emotions as they would surface. If it was fear, I would face it. If it was shame or guilt I would dig a little deeper. If there was something I needed to take ownership of, I would. If the fear, shame and guilt were based on beliefs that I truly didn’t believe, I would make a conscious decision to let go of that belief and replace it with what I knew to be true. With all this new information in hand I began to recreate myself piece by piece as the person I wanted to be rather than the person I felt I was expected to be.

Then my world came to a crashing halt. I learned that Michael had been involved in a fatal motorcycle accident. Four years had gone by with no explanation and I would never have the answers I so desperately needed. My greatest fear was now my reality. I would never have the chance to hug him again and tell him how much I loved him. I would be left with the unknown haunting me. None of this was my choice. These were all choices he had made, yet I seemed to be left holding the bag. It seemed so unfair. Again I was presented with my choices. I could stay caught up in my grief and anger. Focusing on everything that wasn’t fair about this situation or I could change my thoughts and start focusing on all the things I had to be grateful for. It was hard. In the beginning I couldn’t find a whole lot to be grateful for and that was okay. I just had to start somewhere. I was grateful that I took the next breath, as I didn’t want to cause my family the same anguish I was now feeling. I then became grateful I was able to get out of bed. Next I was grateful that I got dressed and brushed my teeth. After a while I started being grateful for the sun warmly shining on my face, the gentle breeze making the wind chime sing or the sound of the birds chattering in the trees. Each built on the next and I started to shift my perspective. The fog and the sadness began to lift. The sun started shinning a little brighter and the flowers smelled a little sweeter. In this space, I realized that not only did I have free will to make my own choices but so did my Son. Michael was simply following his own path. He had made his own decisions based on his own perceptions at that time. I began to reflect on my own path and choices. There were several I knew my family didn’t agree. All of which I knew had to have done exactly as I had to go on to the next stepping stone. As this is how I learn. The same was true for Michael. I began to honor his path just as I hope my parents would honor mine. There was no blame or anger just love and great learning.

In reflecting back over my life, I can truly say that I don’t believe I would be standing her today, if it had not been for every experience leading up to this day. I’m not perfect by any means and I have so much more work to do but I can honestly say I love who I am today. So for that I will be eternally grateful even for those hardest moments as they seemed to have been a catalyst for great change. I thank Michael every day for setting me free from my own self-inflicted chains and showing me I too have choices. I am not a helpless victim of circumstance but rather the Captain of my own vessel. From this perspective, I now have a passion for life that I never had before. Every day we have is so very precious for we are never promised tomorrow. So live boldly! Love with all you have and say what you need to say. Always live YOUR truth and when the Universe knocks never be afraid to leap!